Aita for cutting off my dad, stopping our therapy and just stopping putting effort in our “relationship”?

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When Family Ties Become Chains

In a heart-wrenching tale of familial love and betrayal, a man grapples with the painful realization that his father favors his siblings despite his own sacrifices, including donating a kidney. As he navigates the complexities of their toxic relationship, he finds solace in a loving marriage that highlights the stark contrast between unconditional love and familial obligation. This story resonates with anyone who has struggled with the weight of family expectations and the quest for self-worth, making it a thought-provoking exploration of love, sacrifice, and the difficult choices we make for our own well-being.

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Complicated Relationship

The relationship between the narrator and their father is fraught with tension and unresolved issues. Here’s a summary of the situation:

Complicated Dynamics: The narrator feels a deep love for their father but acknowledges that the love is not reciprocated. They observe a stark contrast in how their father treats them compared to their siblings.
Past Sacrifices: Despite their father’s favoritism towards their siblings, the narrator made significant sacrifices, including donating a kidney when their father needed it. This act of love stands in stark contrast to the siblings’ lack of support during a critical time.
Strained Communication: The narrator has tried to maintain a relationship with their father, often reaching out despite receiving little response. The father frequently brings up the narrator’s past mistakes, which adds to the tension.
Family Business Conflict: The narrator feels overlooked after their father gave the family restaurant to their brother, despite the narrator’s years of hard work in the establishment.
Therapy Experience: The father suggested attending therapy together, which initially gave the narrator hope. However, therapy revealed the father’s deep-seated issues and his tendency to project his shame onto the narrator.
New Relationship: The narrator found love with their wife, who provides emotional support and understanding. This relationship has highlighted the narrator’s desire for a healthier connection, contrasting sharply with their relationship with their father.
Decision to Cut Ties: After much reflection, the narrator decided to end contact with their father, feeling that the relationship was more harmful than beneficial. They communicated this decision and subsequently blocked their father on all platforms.
Family Backlash: The narrator’s siblings reacted negatively, accusing them of breaking their father’s heart. However, the narrator feels that their own heart has been broken for years.
Support from Spouse: The narrator’s wife supports their decision, affirming that they deserve a loving and respectful relationship.

The narrator is now seeking outside opinions on whether they are in the right for wanting to distance themselves from their father, given the history of family drama and the ongoing conflict. They are grappling with feelings of loss but are determined to prioritize their well-being.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

My Relationship with My Dad

My relationship with my dad is at best messy and at worst complicated. Sure, I love him and would put my life on the line for him, and I have in the past. But I’ll be honest, I know he doesn’t love me; I know I’m hard to love, but damn, the way he treats me compared to my siblings is funny.

He loves on them, talks all nice and shit to them. The same kids that couldn’t even be bothered to take a blood test to see if they’re a match for him when he needed a kidney, the same kids that only speak to him when they need babysitting or money, those are the ones he treats better than me. I gave up my kidney without even a second doubt; I used to call and text him the most, even when he barely answered.

I know in the past I was an angry and violent guy, but I’ve changed. Truthfully, the last physical fight I had was 5 years ago, and I haven’t raised my voice at anyone. He loves bringing up my past and throwing it in my face, but I’ve never brought up his drinking or the amount of times he’s passed out drunk, shat himself, and I’ve cleaned him up.

We didn’t talk much a couple of years after he gave the family restaurant to my brother while I was the one that slaved in it since I was 15. He brought up the idea of going through therapy together; I was fucking happy, so we started. During it, I truly realized how much this man didn’t like me and also how much he put his own shame and anger at himself on me, specifically me.

I lied to myself that I still wanted a relationship with him and tried forcing myself to be comfortable with him, even when I could barely stand his touch. I well remember meeting my wife 3 years ago at a high school reunion, and I fell for her all over again. We exchanged numbers and started dating.

She’s everything I want in a woman: smart, career-focused, kind, and caring. It’s been a while since I felt this comfortable with someone, enough to cry in front of them, and she lets me do that. I can truly be myself around her, and I’m just so lucky.

When we got married, I was on a cloud the whole evening and pinched myself continuously, thinking I was still dreaming. I’ve realized this is what I want in my life: someone that loves me like her own and doesn’t need a third person to convince them to. I’ve realized I don’t want my dad in my life anymore.

I’m not angry at him or anything; I just don’t value this nonsense of a relationship. I love him for sure, but I’m way better when I’m away from him. I told him this a couple of weeks ago, stopped going to our therapy, and told him after the talk that I don’t want any contact from him; I’ve blocked him on everything.

His kids have called me all sorts of names and said I’m breaking his heart, but he broke mine for nearly 30 years. I don’t know; I’m lost. My wife says I’m in the right and she’ll support whatever I want. I’m just here for outside opinions: AITA?

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the individual in question is not at fault (NTA) for distancing themselves from their father, who has shown a lack of respect and appreciation despite being saved from a dire situation. Many users emphasize the importance of prioritizing one’s mental and emotional health over toxic family dynamics, suggesting that the father’s inability to change and his projection of self-hatred onto his child are significant factors in the decision to cut ties. Overall, the comments advocate for self-care and the pursuit of healthier relationships, underscoring that family does not have an automatic right to mistreat one another.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Family dynamics can be incredibly complex, especially when deep-seated issues and emotional wounds are involved. Here are some practical steps for both the narrator and their father to consider in resolving their conflict, while also prioritizing emotional well-being.

For the Narrator

Reflect on Your Feelings: Take time to process your emotions regarding the relationship. Journaling can help clarify your thoughts and feelings about your father and the impact of his actions on your life.
Set Boundaries: If you choose to maintain some level of contact, establish clear boundaries regarding what is acceptable behavior. Communicate these boundaries to your father calmly and assertively.
Consider a Mediator: If you feel comfortable, consider involving a neutral third party, such as a family therapist, to facilitate a conversation. This can provide a safe space for both sides to express their feelings and perspectives.
Focus on Self-Care: Prioritize your mental and emotional health. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, and lean on your supportive spouse for encouragement and understanding.
Be Open to Change: While you may have decided to cut ties, remain open to the possibility of reconciliation in the future if your father shows genuine willingness to change and address his issues.

For the Father

Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on your relationship with your child. Acknowledge any patterns of behavior that may have contributed to the current conflict, including favoritism and lack of appreciation.
Seek Individual Therapy: Consider pursuing individual therapy to address your own issues and learn healthier ways to communicate and connect with your children. This can help you understand the impact of your actions on their emotional well-being.
Listen Actively: If given the opportunity to communicate with your child, practice active listening. Validate their feelings and experiences without becoming defensive. This can help rebuild trust and understanding.
Apologize Sincerely: If you recognize past mistakes, offer a genuine apology. Acknowledging your shortcomings can be a powerful step toward healing the relationship.
Respect Their Decision: If your child has chosen to distance themselves, respect their decision. Pushing for contact may further damage the relationship. Instead, focus on your own growth and healing.

Conclusion

Family relationships can be challenging, but with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to change, it is possible to navigate these conflicts. Both parties should prioritize their emotional health and seek healthier connections, whether that means working toward reconciliation or accepting the need for distance.