AITA For Telling My Mom that I Don’t Forgive my Brother

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Family Ties Tested: A Sister’s Dilemma

In a gripping tale of familial loyalty and fear, a 25-year-old woman grapples with the unsettling return of her troubled younger brother, who has a history of alarming behavior, including an attempted poisoning and a chilling list of those he wishes to harm. As her mother tries to mend their fractured family ties, the sister feels an overwhelming sense of anxiety and danger, questioning the safety of her home and the sincerity of her brother’s apparent changes. This story resonates with anyone who has navigated complex family dynamics, especially when mental health issues and past traumas collide, leaving us to ponder the boundaries of forgiveness and protection.

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Complex Situation

A 25-year-old woman recently faced a challenging family situation involving her younger brother, who has a troubled history. The confrontation with her mother after Christmas raised questions about her response and feelings of unease.

Background

The woman’s mother, 47, divorced her abusive stepfather five years ago and moved in with her partner, Jessica, 48.
During this time, the woman’s younger brother, 17, began exhibiting troubling behavior, including poor grades and issues with peers.
He developed a serious addiction to pornography, engaged in risky online behavior, and self-harmed.
After a series of interventions, including therapy and a stay in a mental hospital, he returned home but continued to struggle.
His behavior escalated to making false abuse claims, attempting to create conflict between family members, and even attempting to poison Jessica.

The Current Situation

Following another mental health crisis, the brother moved in with his father in January 2024.
Despite this, the mother has been trying to win back his affection, often visiting him and showering him with gifts.
During a recent Christmas visit, the woman felt anxious about her brother’s presence, recalling past incidents that made her feel unsafe.

Christmas Visit

The brother visited for 12 hours, during which the woman felt uncomfortable and on edge.
She had previously expressed her concerns about being left alone with him, but her mother and Jessica left her to cook with him.
Throughout the visit, the brother exhibited unsettling behavior, including staring and smirking.
He announced a change in his sexual orientation, which further complicated the family dynamics.

Confrontation with Mom

After the visit, the woman shared her feelings of unease with her mother and Jessica.
Her mother reacted negatively, insisting that she should be more open-minded and supportive of her brother.
The woman stood firm, expressing that she could not forgive her brother for his past actions, including the unaliving list.
This led to tension between the woman and her mother, who felt hurt by her daughter’s stance.

Conclusion

The situation highlights the complexities of family dynamics, especially in the context of mental health issues and past trauma. The woman is left questioning whether her feelings are justified or if she is being unreasonable in her response to her brother’s behavior.

TL;DR: A woman confronts her mother about her uneasy feelings towards her brother, who has a history of troubling behavior, including an unaliving list. The mother’s insistence on reconciliation creates tension in the family.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story: TW Self Harm, Attempted Unaliving, Drug Usage, Mentions of Pornography

This is a long one, TLDR at the bottom.

So I, 25F, recently had a confrontation with my mom, 47F, after Christmas, and I’m a little unsure if I went too far in my response.

Backstory: My mom divorced my stepfather 5 years ago and moved in with her partner, Jessica, 48F. I was in college at the time, but my little brother, 17M, also moved with my mother as my stepfather was found to be abusive and a danger to live with untreated military PTSD.

The divorce, I think, amplified a lot of the issues that my brother had, and he began acting out in school—bad grades, problems with other kids. During this time, it was found out that he had a pretty bad porn addiction and was chatting with grown men online and trying to steal credit cards and money to buy access to different chatting sites.

We also found that he was cutting himself and stealing Jessica’s medication like Xanax and Promethazine. My mom, stepfather, and Jessica all came together to get him help, enrolling him in therapy and taking him to different specialists and eventually taking him to a mental hospital. For about 3 months, we were all on rotation visiting him, trying to provide him comfort while he was away.

When he came back, things were fine for a while, but then the issues started coming in again. First, he was lying to his friends about us to the extent that his friend’s parents were contacting our mom and stepdad about the alleged abuse. Then he lied to a doctor about it and actually called CPS.

The case was dropped because he claimed abuse to the extent that he was being beaten every day and that he was unfed and without a place to sleep. Imagine the case worker’s face when she walked into his fully furnished room with a mini fridge, expensive gaming systems, brand name clothes, and saw a fully stocked kitchen. It also didn’t help that every person interviewed had no clue about the specified events he claimed to have happened.

After the case was dropped, he upped the ante. He started trying to pit my mom and stepdad against each other. He stopped visiting him and claimed it was because my mom wouldn’t let him.

Then I would tell my mom that my stepdad was bad-mouthing her and not talking to my brother because he was gay. He even lied to my mom and said that our great aunt and uncle threatened to beat him for being gay. None of this was true, and he eventually confessed to it.

Then he tried to cause division between Mom and Jessica, but by then, the trust they had in him was gone, so nothing too bad happened. When that didn’t work, he tried to poison Jessica by crushing pills into her food. The only reason it didn’t work out was because she noticed that her food had bubbles in it, and it tasted soapy.

She spit it out, and he eventually confessed. At this point, my mom was at her wits’ end and began punishing him differently; she started taking away leisure and extracurricular activities. So, no more Xbox or Nintendo Switch.

There were no more fun weekend trips, and he just went to school and back home. Things continued largely the same, with him doing something and then receiving some kind of punishment. He would be good for a little bit and get off punishment only to do something to be on punishment again.

All things came to a head last year when he came home from school, and my mom got a phone call from his principal stating that a student had reported him for stalking and harassment. Apparently, he liked a boy who only wanted to be with him as an experiment. Then when they broke up, my brother couldn’t handle it and was always trying to find him at school and hound his friend about getting in contact with the boy.

The principal also said my brother had stolen a hoodie from the student. So my mom went through his room while he was with his dad to find the hoodie. When looking for the hoodie, she found a notebook that had alarming drawings on the cover.

She went through it and found detailed plans on how and when to unalive my mom, stepdad, Jessica, me, and the boy from school. This caused a lot of panic for us, as on top of Mom finding that notebook, he ran away from his dad’s house and was found the following day with a friend’s parents.

He was taken to the hospital to make sure he was okay, and it was determined that he would go to another mental facility. He stayed there for about a month and came out unrepentant and uncaring about all the stress his actions had caused. When he came out, the decision was made for him to stay with his dad primarily instead of our mom.

He’s been there since January 2024. The Situation Now: since he’s been with his dad, my mom has begun doing everything in her power to make him like her again. She vacillates between buying his love and always visiting him when she’s off work.

Unfortunately, he seems to want nothing to do with Mom, Jessica, and me. Christmas was a few days ago, and Mom offered for him to visit for Christmas. And that turned into him visiting from 8 am to 8 pm Christmas day, which for me was a lot.

My mom and Jessica seemed to enjoy having him around, but I couldn’t help but feel anxious. Even our dog was cautious around him and actually stayed by me the entire day. I’ve felt on edge since the attempted poisoning incident with Jessica, and finding his list has only made me feel worse.

At 17, he looks like a linebacker, and my mother just invited him to a house full of women with no way of defending themselves. He always has this look in his eye when he looked at me or Mom and Jessica, but they don’t seem to see it. When we talked about his visit, I just asked not to be left alone with him, and everyone agreed to it.

Then, when he gets there, my mom and Jessica immediately start going upstairs for long periods, leaving me to cook downstairs with him in the living room. He was largely silent but kept smirking at me the entire time and eventually began to sit at the kitchen island, just watching me.

We ate dinner, and he largely kept silent, just staring at me or glancing at Jessica. Then he just abruptly says, “I’m pansexual now, and I’m dating a girl now.” They started talking to him about the change, but he just kept staring.

I eventually just went back to my room upstairs with my dog and stayed until his dad came to get him. Yesterday, Mom, Jessica, and I talked about the visit, and they spent a good 20 minutes talking about how happy they were to see

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) is not at fault (NTA) for their concerns regarding their brother’s mental health and potential danger. Many users emphasize the importance of self-defense and suggest seeking therapy for the brother, while also highlighting the OP’s need to protect themselves and consider distancing from the situation. There is a shared sentiment that the OP’s feelings are valid, and they should take steps to ensure their safety amidst a lack of support from their family.

Overall Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Family dynamics can be incredibly complex, especially when mental health issues are involved. It’s important to approach this situation with empathy for all parties while also prioritizing your own safety and well-being. Here are some practical steps to consider for resolving the conflict:

For the Original Poster (OP)

Prioritize Your Safety: Your feelings of unease are valid. It’s crucial to prioritize your emotional and physical safety. If you feel uncomfortable being alone with your brother, communicate this clearly to your mother and Jessica.
Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries regarding your interactions with your brother. Let your mother know what you are comfortable with and what you are not. This may include limiting visits or avoiding one-on-one time.
Seek Support: Consider talking to a therapist or counselor about your feelings. They can provide you with coping strategies and help you process your emotions regarding your brother’s behavior.
Communicate Openly: When discussing your concerns with your mother, try to express your feelings without placing blame. Use “I” statements, such as “I feel anxious when I’m around him because of past experiences.” This can help reduce defensiveness.
Educate Yourself: Learn more about mental health issues and how they can affect behavior. Understanding your brother’s struggles may help you navigate your feelings and responses more effectively.

For the Mother

Listen to Your Daughter: It’s important for the mother to acknowledge her daughter’s feelings. Listening without judgment can help bridge the gap and foster understanding.
Consider Professional Help for Your Son: Encourage your son to seek therapy or counseling. Professional guidance can provide him with the tools he needs to manage his behavior and emotions.
Balance Affection with Accountability: While it’s natural to want to support your son, it’s also important to hold him accountable for his actions. This balance can help him understand the consequences of his behavior.
Facilitate Family Therapy: Suggest family therapy as a way to address the underlying issues within the family. A neutral third party can help facilitate discussions and improve communication.
Reflect on Your Approach: Consider whether showering your son with gifts is the best way to win his affection. Sometimes, emotional support and understanding are more valuable than material gifts.

For the Family as a Whole

Encourage Open Dialogue: Create a safe space for family members to express their feelings and concerns. Regular family meetings can help everyone stay connected and address issues as they arise.
Focus on Healing: Recognize that healing takes time. Encourage each family member to work on their individual issues while also supporting one another.
Practice Empathy: Each family member should strive to understand the perspectives and feelings of others. Empathy can go a long way in resolving conflicts and fostering a supportive environment.

Ultimately, navigating family conflict requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to communicate openly. By taking these steps, both the OP and her mother can work towards a healthier family dynamic while ensuring that everyone’s needs are respected.