WIBTA for blowing my family off for their cold remarks

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Family Ties or Blood Bonds?

When a woman adopts two children from a lifelong friend, she believes her family will embrace them as their own. However, during a holiday planning session, her brother-in-law’s shocking comment about the children’s worthiness of gifts reveals a deeper issue of acceptance. Faced with her family’s dismissive attitude, she must decide whether to stand her ground or compromise for the sake of familial ties. This story resonates with anyone who has navigated the complexities of family dynamics and the true meaning of belonging.

Family Drama Over Adoption: A Conflict Resolution Dilemma

A 32-year-old woman, who has adopted two children, finds herself in the midst of family drama following a tense Christmas gathering planning session. The situation escalates when her family questions the legitimacy of her adopted children as part of the family. Here’s a breakdown of the events:

Background: The woman adopted two children, an 8-year-old girl and a 6-year-old boy, from a lifelong friend who was struggling. She believed her family accepted these children as their own.
Christmas Planning: Each year, the family gathers to plan their Christmas celebration, discussing hosting duties, dinner contributions, and gifts for the children.
Conflict Arises: During the planning session, the woman’s brother-in-law (BIL) made a dismissive comment about her children, stating that since they are not blood relatives, it doesn’t matter if they receive gifts. He suggested that she should compensate for their lack of gifts herself.
Family Support: To her dismay, her other siblings agreed with the BIL, further invalidating her children’s status within the family.
Emotional Response: Feeling hurt and disrespected, the woman declared that if her children were not considered family, she would withdraw from the gathering entirely. She left the meeting, upset by the lack of support for her adopted children.
Aftermath: Following her departure, her siblings began sending her messages, accusing her of overreacting and labeling her as the “asshole” in the situation. They believe she is being unreasonable for wanting to cut them out of her life.
Her Stance: The woman firmly believes in protecting her children from people who do not treat them with respect. She is contemplating whether her decision to distance herself from her family is justified.

This situation highlights the complexities of family dynamics, especially regarding adoption. The conflict resolution process may require open communication and understanding from both sides to address the underlying issues of acceptance and love within the family unit.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

I, a 32-year-old female, have adopted two children, an 8-year-old girl and a 6-year-old boy, from a single mother that I’ve known all my life. She was going through a rough time in her life, so I agreed that I would adopt the children. For years, I thought my family had accepted these children as family.

All seemed fine up until a few months ago. My family members and I all get together each year to plan our Christmas gathering. We plan out who’s hosting the gathering this year, who’s bringing what to dinner, and what to get the kids for Christmas.

All was going smoothly until my brother-in-law piped up, saying my children aren’t really blood, so it doesn’t matter if they receive any gifts from the family or not, and that he can make up the difference! My other two siblings chimed in and agreed with my brother-in-law. I, in turn, announced that if my children didn’t fit the description of family because they were adopted, then they can just count us out because, blood or not, they are my children, and I left.

Now my siblings are leaving me messages saying I’m overreacting and being an AH. I love my kids and don’t want them around people who treat others this way. So, am I the AH for just cutting them out of our lives?

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments reveal a strong consensus around the idea that the original poster (OP) is not at fault (NTA) for prioritizing their adopted children over their brother-in-law (BIL) and siblings. Many users emphasize that family is defined by love and commitment rather than blood relations, arguing that OP’s children are their true family, while the BIL’s involvement is questionable. Overall, commenters support OP’s decision to create their own family traditions and stand up for their children against perceived hypocrisy from the BIL and other relatives.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict Over Adoption

Family dynamics can be incredibly complex, especially when it comes to issues of acceptance and love surrounding adopted children. Here are some practical steps for both the original poster (OP) and her family to consider in resolving this conflict:

For the Original Poster (OP)

Reflect on Your Feelings: Take some time to process your emotions. Understand why the comments hurt you and how they affect your children. This reflection can help you communicate your feelings more clearly.
Initiate a Calm Conversation: Reach out to your family members, especially your siblings, to express your feelings. Choose a time when everyone is calm and open to discussion. Use “I” statements to convey how their comments made you feel without sounding accusatory.
Educate on Adoption: Share insights about adoption and the importance of acceptance. Help them understand that family is defined by love and commitment, not just blood relations. This can foster empathy and understanding.
Set Boundaries: If your family continues to dismiss your children, it’s okay to set boundaries. Let them know that you will prioritize your children’s well-being and may need to limit interactions if they cannot respect your family.
Consider Family Counseling: If the situation remains unresolved, suggest family counseling. A neutral third party can facilitate discussions and help everyone express their feelings in a constructive manner.

For the Family

Listen Actively: When OP reaches out, make an effort to listen without interrupting. Acknowledge her feelings and the importance of her children in her life. This can help rebuild trust and understanding.
Reflect on Your Views: Take time to consider why you feel the way you do about OP’s children. Challenge any preconceived notions about adoption and recognize the love and commitment OP has for her children.
Apologize if Necessary: If you realize that your comments were hurtful, don’t hesitate to apologize. A sincere apology can go a long way in mending relationships and showing that you care.
Engage in Open Dialogue: Encourage open discussions about family values and what it means to be family. This can help clarify misunderstandings and foster a more inclusive environment.
Support OP’s Family Traditions: Make an effort to include OP’s children in family gatherings and traditions. Show that you value them as part of the family, which can help strengthen bonds.

Ultimately, resolving this conflict will require empathy, understanding, and a willingness to change from both sides. By prioritizing open communication and respect, it’s possible to create a more inclusive family environment that honors all members, regardless of their background.