WIBTA if I used my husband as a cash cow/didn’t divorce him?

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Is Staying for Financial Security Worth the Emotional Toll?

In a heart-wrenching tale of love, betrayal, and survival, a woman discovers troubling secrets on her husband’s phone while applying for a job on his behalf. After years of working through past infidelities, she grapples with the painful realization that her husband may still be unfaithful, all while managing the challenges of being a disabled mother of three. As she contemplates whether to stay in a marriage that feels increasingly one-sided for the sake of financial stability, readers are left questioning the true cost of love and loyalty. This story resonates deeply with anyone who has faced the complexities of relationships, especially when children and financial security are at stake.

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Difficult Decision

A woman, 28F, finds herself in a challenging situation after discovering troubling messages on her husband’s phone. The couple has been together for ten years and married for nine, but recent events have led to significant wedding tension.

Background: The woman has been disabled and unable to work, relying on her husband, 29M, who is a CDL driver, for financial support. They have three children: 8F, 3F, and 6 months F.
Discovery: While applying for a job on her husband’s behalf, she found a text chain with pictures of an unknown woman. This discovery triggered memories of a past incident where her husband attempted to arrange hookups with other women seven years ago.
Emotional Impact: The woman feels devastated, recalling the previous betrayal and the effort they put into reconciling. She is now faced with the possibility of her husband engaging in similar behavior again.
Financial Considerations: Despite her emotional turmoil, she contemplates the financial implications of leaving her husband. She manages their finances and realizes she could potentially support herself temporarily if she chose to leave.
Future Plans: The couple has discussed the husband returning to over-the-road driving for better pay, which would mean he would be away for most of the year. This raises questions about their relationship dynamics and her role as a single parent while remaining married.

In her reflection, she acknowledges her love for her husband but grapples with the reality that he may not feel the same way. She expresses doubts about her ability to find a new partner due to her weight and responsibilities as a mother.

Health Challenges and Relationship Strain

Health Issues: The woman has faced numerous health challenges, including anxiety, depression, PTSD, and significant physical injuries leading to multiple surgeries. These issues have compounded her feelings of vulnerability and dependency on her husband.
Recent Developments: In January 2023, she suffered a concussion resulting in a traumatic brain injury, and she has been diagnosed with a heart condition. These health struggles have made her situation even more precarious.
Family Dynamics: The woman has made the decision to have her tubes removed, indicating that she will not have more children, which adds another layer to her current family dynamics.

As she contemplates her future, she wonders if staying in the marriage while essentially being a single parent would be the best course of action. The conflict resolution process is complicated by her emotional state, financial dependency, and health challenges, leaving her to question her next steps in this family drama.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 9.

So I, a 28F, was applying for a job on my husband’s behalf while he slept. I was trying to be helpful and a good wife!

Anyways, I needed a code from his phone and found a text chain I didn’t recognize. Say whatever you want about snooping; I don’t care, but I opened it and there were pictures of a woman I didn’t know.

Now for info, 7 years ago I caught my husband trying to arrange hookups with other women, but he swore up and down that he never actually did. After a good amount of time and some phone restrictions, we reconciled and moved on.

Naturally, finding this filled me with dread, and I went through his phone and found recent chats, pictures, and even found him offering to pay women for more pictures. Naturally, I checked all our banking stuff and couldn’t find any history that he may have done such.

Anyways, to say I’m devastated to be going through this again would be putting it mildly.

Another important thing to note is that I am disabled and cannot work. I also have not been approved for disability yet, so I have no income, and lord knows when that will happen because getting disability is actually really hard.

In addition, we have three children: 8F, 3F, and 6 months F. Now I manage all our finances; he just makes the money, and so he doesn’t really check it, and I could technically skim from him for an indeterminate amount of time until I could leave.

HOWEVER, and I am not saying I will stay for the kids, my husband is a CDL driver, and we’ve recently been talking about him going back over the road because it pays more. This means that for the majority of the year, he wouldn’t even be home.

So I could probably suck it up for every weekend or holiday or whenever he’s home for the financial security, and maybe we could even work through this; I don’t know. I love him, but obviously, he doesn’t love me as much.

I know I’d have zero luck in trying to find someone new—tempting as that is—between being overweight and the kids.

So WIBTA if I just stayed and essentially was a single parent while remaining legally married?

Edit to add

I was not physically disabled when we got together, but I have been suffering from anxiety, depression, borderline personality, and PTSD since I was a child. He knew about all of these things.

In fact, I told him about them on our first date because I didn’t want to get strung along again. However, in 2019, I was injured at work and had to have back-to-back spine surgeries.

A few months later, I got pregnant with our second. It was a surprise but a welcome one, and I powered through the pain and health issues.

However, in January of 2023, I suffered a concussion that has led to a TBI, and not long after that, we discovered that my disks in my spine are disintegrating. Our third was a surprise, and the whole time I was in extreme pain and very sick.

She was in the NICU. Just before Christmas, I found out I have a heart condition.

Also, I had my tubes removed. There will be no more children.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the individual is not at fault for considering financial strategies to escape an abusive relationship. Many users share personal experiences and emphasize the importance of financial independence and preparation for potential divorce, suggesting methods to discreetly save money. Overall, the comments reflect a supportive stance towards taking necessary actions for self-preservation and empowerment in a difficult situation.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Conflict Resolution

In navigating the complexities of your situation, it’s essential to approach the conflict with both empathy and practicality. Here are some steps to consider that address your emotional needs and financial realities:

1. Prioritize Your Emotional Well-Being

Seek Professional Support: Consider talking to a therapist or counselor who specializes in relationship issues. They can help you process your feelings and provide coping strategies for your anxiety and PTSD.
Establish a Support Network: Reach out to trusted friends or family members who can offer emotional support. Sharing your experiences can help alleviate feelings of isolation.
Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that promote your mental and physical health, such as gentle exercise, meditation, or hobbies that bring you joy.

2. Assess Your Financial Situation

Document Finances: Keep a detailed record of your household finances, including income, expenses, and any savings. This will help you understand your financial standing and prepare for potential changes.
Explore Employment Opportunities: While you may be currently unable to work, consider remote or flexible job options that could accommodate your health needs. This could provide a sense of independence and financial security.
Save Discreetly: If you decide to leave, start setting aside a small amount of money each month in a separate account that your husband does not have access to. This can provide a financial cushion for you and your children.

3. Communicate Openly with Your Husband

Choose the Right Time: Find a calm moment to discuss your feelings and concerns with your husband. Avoid confrontational language and focus on expressing how his actions have impacted you emotionally.
Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate what behaviors are unacceptable and what you need from him moving forward. This may include transparency about his phone and social interactions.
Consider Couples Counseling: If both of you are willing, seek couples therapy to address underlying issues in your relationship. A neutral third party can facilitate healthier communication and conflict resolution.

4. Plan for the Future

Evaluate Your Relationship: Reflect on whether the relationship is worth continuing based on your husband’s willingness to change and your own emotional health. Consider what a healthy partnership looks like for you.
Prepare for All Outcomes: Whether you choose to stay or leave, have a plan in place. This includes understanding your rights regarding custody and financial support if you decide to separate.
Focus on Your Children: Regardless of your decision, prioritize your children’s well-being. Ensure they feel loved and supported throughout this process, as they will be affected by any changes in the family dynamic.

Ultimately, your safety and emotional health are paramount. Taking these steps can empower you to make informed decisions about your future, whether that means working towards healing your marriage or preparing for a new chapter in your life.