WIBTAH for Hiding My Plans from My Mom?

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Teen Torn Between Family Obligations and Future Dreams

At just 17, a high-achieving student faces an impossible choice: stay in a crowded home to support her mother and siblings or pursue her dreams at a prestigious university across the country. With a supportive aunt and a loving stepmother backing her ambitions, she grapples with the guilt of keeping her plans a secret from a mother who has always prioritized her own needs. This relatable dilemma highlights the struggle many young adults face when balancing familial responsibilities with personal aspirations, especially in a culture that often expects sacrifice for family. Will she choose her future or remain tethered to her past?

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Dilemma Before Graduation

A 17-year-old, soon to be 18, finds herself in a complicated family situation as she prepares for college. With eight siblings and two more on the way, her crowded home in Nevada is a source of tension. Here’s a breakdown of her story:

Background:
- She is the third child among eight, with ages ranging from 29 to 2.
- Graduating as valedictorian, she aims to attend out-of-state colleges.
- Her mother insists she stay local to babysit siblings and contribute financially.
Aunt’s Support:
- She has been meeting with her Aunt Mary, who has no children and is financially successful.
- Aunt Mary has been generous, providing her with significant financial support and assistance with college applications.
- She has a trust fund set aside for her, excluding her half-siblings due to complicated family dynamics.
Family Background:
- Her parents divorced when she was younger, leading to a custody arrangement that allowed her to spend summers and winter breaks with her father in Virginia.
- Her mother remarried her affair partner, creating further tension.
- Her father’s wife, Laurie, has been supportive, treating her like a daughter and helping her with her dog training business.
Future Plans:
- She plans to attend Georgetown University for Business Management and Business Law.
- Her father and Laurie have offered her a place to live in Virginia, as have her grandparents.
- She has been running a dog-walking business since age 12 and aims to expand into training and grooming.
The Dilemma:
- Her mother is unaware of her plans to move back to Virginia or the financial support she receives from her aunt.
- If her mother discovers her intentions, it could lead to significant conflict, as she expects her to remain in Nevada and support the family.
- She feels guilty about hiding her plans but fears her mother will sabotage her future if she finds out.

In summary, this young woman is caught in a web of family drama and wedding tension, facing a tough decision about whether to disclose her plans to her mother or to prioritize her own future. The conflict resolution lies in balancing her aspirations with the potential fallout from her family dynamics.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

I wasn’t sure if I should post this here or in r/entitledparents, but let me know if there’s a better fit.

A bit of background to help make sense of my situation: I’m 17, turning 18 at the end of the month, and the third of eight children with two more on the way. Our ages range from 29 to 2. As you can imagine, our house is very crowded.

I’ve been working on my college applications for out-of-state schools because, aside from the house being packed, I’m graduating valedictorian, and I want to be able to fully focus on my education. My mom, however, is demanding that I stay local so I can babysit my siblings while also paying rent, utilities, and groceries for the entire family.

Here’s where things get complicated.

I’ve been meeting a couple of times a week with my mom’s older sister, Aunt Mary. She never had kids, has done very well for herself in investments, and—having witnessed firsthand how I am mistreated, lied to, and ignored—she has been incredibly generous toward me. She gives me money—not just small bills, but 50s and 100s—and has also been helping me apply to colleges. That’s when she told me that she has a sizable trust fund set aside specifically for me.

She isn’t including my half-siblings in this because my mom cheated on my dad, and the situation surrounding my birth and their births is complicated, to say the least.

For additional context: My parents divorced when I was younger, and as part of the custody agreement, I spent all my summer and winter breaks with my dad in Virginia. When my mom remarried her AP affair partner, she moved us all across the country to Nevada. AP has tried to assert himself as my only dad, which has made things even worse.

Meanwhile, my dad’s wife, Laurie, has been nothing but amazing to me. She has always treated me as her own daughter and even takes me out for girls’ days. She owns a dog training business and has offered to help me become certified and set up my own business—legally trademarks, certifications, etc. I’ve been running a small business since I was 12, walking neighborhood dogs, and I also work part-time at a pet shop as a groomer. My ultimate goal is to expand my business to include training and grooming full-time once I graduate.

So here’s where my dilemma comes in.

What My Mom Does Know

That I started my own business.

What My Mom Doesn’t Know

That my aunt has been giving me money.
That I have a trust fund.
That I have already made plans to attend Georgetown University for Business Management and Business Law near my dad’s home.
That I plan to move to Virginia after graduation.

My dad and Laurie have already offered me a place to live, as have my grandparents, who live nearby in a large house—a house that I recently found out I’ll eventually inherit.

My dad and Laurie’s two kids, 5M and 4F, are incredibly sweet and understanding, even bringing me snacks and drinks while I study. If they want to ask me something while I’m studying, they write it on a dry-erase board instead of interrupting me.

Now, here’s the problem.

If my mom finds out that I’m moving back to Virginia, all hell will break loose because she despises my dad for reasons I don’t even fully understand. She expects me to stay in Nevada, babysit, pay bills, and sacrifice my future for her new family.

Would I be the ahole if I didn’t tell her my plans and just left when the time comes?

I feel guilty hiding it, but I also know she will do everything in her power to sabotage me.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the individual should prioritize their own well-being and leave their current living situation, as their mother is attempting to impose undue responsibilities on them. Many users emphasize the importance of safeguarding personal documents and finances, suggesting that the mother may exploit the situation further. Overall, the comments reflect a protective stance towards the individual, encouraging them to pursue independence without guilt.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

In navigating this complex family situation, it’s essential to approach the conflict with empathy and a clear strategy. Here are practical steps to help you resolve the dilemma while prioritizing your well-being:

1. Self-Reflection

Before taking any action, spend some time reflecting on your goals and feelings. Consider the following:

Identify Your Priorities: What are your top priorities for the next few years? Is it your education, career, or family obligations?
Assess Your Feelings: How do you feel about your current living situation and your mother’s expectations? Acknowledge any guilt or fear you may have.

2. Gather Support

Having a support system can make a significant difference. Consider these steps:

Talk to Your Aunt: Share your concerns with Aunt Mary. She may provide additional guidance and support as you navigate this transition.
Engage with Your Father and Laurie: Discuss your plans with your father and his wife. Their support can be invaluable, especially if you need to make a move.

3. Plan Your Communication

When you’re ready to discuss your plans with your mother, consider the following:

Choose the Right Time: Find a calm moment to talk, ensuring that both you and your mother are in a receptive state of mind.
Be Honest but Tactful: Explain your aspirations and the reasons behind your decision to move. Emphasize that this is about your future, not a rejection of family responsibilities.
Prepare for Reactions: Understand that your mother may react negatively. Be ready to listen to her concerns while standing firm in your decision.

4. Establish Boundaries

Setting clear boundaries is crucial for your mental health and independence:

Define Your Role: Make it clear that while you care for your siblings, you cannot be their primary caregiver.
Protect Your Finances: Ensure that your financial support from Aunt Mary is secure and that your mother does not have access to your personal documents or funds.

5. Focus on Your Future

As you prepare for this transition, keep your goals in sight:

Stay Committed to Your Education: Continue to focus on your studies and college applications, as they are your pathway to a brighter future.
Develop Your Business: Expand your dog-walking business and explore opportunities in training and grooming to build your independence.

6. Seek Professional Guidance

If the situation becomes overwhelming, consider seeking help from a counselor or therapist. They can provide you with tools to manage family dynamics and support your emotional well-being.

Ultimately, remember that prioritizing your future does not mean you are abandoning your family. It’s about finding a balance that allows you to thrive while still caring for those you love. You deserve to pursue your dreams without guilt.